Joyfully Jobless

After a MAJOR depressive episode and having experienced some of the darkest days of my life, I am currently unemployed, on some helpful medication, and on the road to recovery. I am over being embarrassed about this illness. I have suffered through countless traumatic experiences many of which a person would be hard pressed to recover from even one of.Through all of it I never took care of ME. It has always been my responsibility (or so I thought) to make sure I stayed strong and didn't fall apart so that everyone else's needs were attended to. The pile finally just got too big for me to handle and it was time to fight my demons head on. Now that the depressive fog is beginning to lift I have been turning my attention on career pursuits. I need to find what makes my heart happy and my soul sing while still being able to successfully contribute to our family income. So far Mark has been a champion for me, but I am a realist. I know that as the bank accounts are dwindling, Mark's patience will begin to dwindle as well. The trip to Mexico this spring we had been planning while I was gainfully employed is going to take a miracle in order to happen. But I believe in miracles, and I believe God has great things in store for me in the months and years to come. I am going to work at "jobs" that thrill me and don't kill me. My newest dream is having a spot at an antique mall. I keep hearing from naysayers that I won't make any money at it. But I cant' listen when my dream is at stake. I'll be cautious, but I can't help it if this is the first "job" that causes me to jump out of bed and makes me anxious for the next day to start. You can tell me "I TOLD YOU SO" if things don't work out, but for now I am going to be as excited as I want to be about it, and I am going to trust my gut. May the force be with me (and I'm not even a Star Trek fan).

I want a dog who pees where he is supposed to

My two dogs will learn to pee in the right places, I'm absolutely sure of it.

I want a lake home with this style deck railing

I'm deciding to be more exact in the wishes I express to my universe. I'm going to start stating my intentions. Let's see what happens when I do that!

It is what it is, right?

I hate the saying, "It is what it is." I hate it because it doesn't really say anything at all, and it certainly doesn't solve my problem. That's when people seem to use that saying - when they don't know what to say to someone who's having a crisis. "Well, it is what it is." How's that helpful?

Today though I almost seemed to be saying it to myself. My boyfriend told me he's going to need Wednesday and Thursday away from me before he goes to divorce court on Friday. He needs time to clear his head and get his things in order. Huge blow for me.

Here I am going along thinking I'm this major support system for him. I've been with him through this entire process. I hope I've been a source of encouragement, a listening ear, an advice giver, a stress reliever, and even a distraction when he needs it. Now he wants me to go away?

Maybe it wasn't what he said but how it came about - so abrupt. The guy has no tact (we're working on that). We were back at his place sitting on the couch after having a perfectly wonderful day at his mother's celebrating his eleven year old daughter's birthday. I turned and asked him, "Can we settle on a day this week to finish painting your living room?"

"Nope. Not this week. Nothing before the 30th," he said, leaving me to figure out why.

"Oh. Court's on the 30th. Nothing doing until after that, huh?"

"No. In fact you should plan on not being here Wednesday or Thursday."

I must have appeared startled because he got up with me when I went to put my glass on the counter.

"You're mad."

"I'm surprised - and maybe a little bit hurt. You want to get away from me. That's hard to take."

"I'm not going to be a good guy to be around the two days before court. I'm probably going to be an ass. I know you don't like me that way so I'm asking for some space."

"I really thought you considered me a support system for you."

"Just trust that on Friday, when I'm out of court, I'll come back to you better than ever," he told me last night. That was supposed to calm me I suppose.

I'm going to admit to you, I flipped out a little. I took my teenagers and ran, quite literally. They were playing Wii with his daughter. I told them to turn it off, we were going home. I spent the drive home in shock trying to play it over in my mind.

I know guys are cavemen and all that. I know they need to go to their cave and take care of their problems and if we let them they'll come back to us just fine. But I'm not fine. I'm not fine at all, and now I have this huge weight on my chest while I try to get through my routine today. I have homework projects to complete with the kids, laundry to do, gardening to tend to, and conferences tomorrow I need to prepare for. I'm pissed and I'm hurt and I can't get this off of my mind.

The way I reacted was to say, "Look. Maybe you're right. Maybe we shouldn't be together while you sort out this mess in your head. I'm going to give you more than just Wednesday and Thursday. In fact, take all the time you need away from me."

He responded to that with, "I knew you'd do that."

And that's where we've left it.

Search for Inner Peace

With inner peace comes outer peace: the calm shown to the outside world. As I struggle for inner peace in a "new" relationship, I wonder how the rest of the world finds it. I can't wait to hear from you.

Great Teachers

Sensei is a Japanese form of address for someone who has earned a certain level of respect; often a teacher. Some teachers deserve high honor; some don't. I rarely hear from any of my kids teachers and guess I just assume that no news is good news. It led me to wonder what makes a great teacher?

I found out on Friday that I received the high honor of being singled out as a faculty member who has made a difference in the life of a student athlete. If only something wonderful like that happened everyday to remind me how much my job means to me, and even more important, how much my job affects young people. It really is all about the kids.

Feeling great about teaching makes me evaluate and reflect on my performance as a teacher. I decided to assess how I've been doing this year and went to the internet to see what various sites said about what it takes to be a great teacher.
Greatschools.org says this:

A. Great teachers set high expectations for all students.

B. Great teachers have clear, written-out objectives.

C. Great teachers are prepared and organized.

D. Great teachers engage students and get them to look at issues in a variety of ways.

E. Great teachers form strong relationships with their students and show that they care about them as people.

F. Great teachers are masters of their subject matter.

G. Great teachers communicate frequently with parents.

It feels good to know that I do pretty darn well at every single one of these, although I think I could do better when it comes to organization and communicating with parents. Organization has never been my strong point and I knew it would be a problem for me in the classroom. I'm working toward doing better at filing and finding appropriate places for everything. As far as communicating with parents, it doesn't thrill me to call parents, but I realize it is an important part of my job. This week I aim to call seven parents. That's one parent per day - I can do that.

Waiting for the Thaw

About this time, in the state of Wisconsin, we have had enough of winter. We are waiting for the thaw; the end of the chill; waiting for warmth to restore our landscape and our hearts. I'll admit I've become restless, I've been short with my beloved, and I need to apologize for that. Last night I felt bad for myself after a long car ride in bad winter weather with two impatient teenagers in the vehicle. I had already forgotten the breathtaking physical beauty of the day before, when I snapped this picture from the passenger seat of the car. Now I was having my own personal pity party and all I wanted was a bath. When my boyfriend didn't react the way I wanted him to on the phone, it ticked me off and made me pull away from him, but then something in me clicked. I realized that I didn't need to pull away - I needed to pull him closer. I decided I would make it a point to see what he needed from me; what I could do for him; how I could make his life better with me in it. So I asked him what I could do to lighten his load this week, told him I knew he'd been stressed out with teaching and coaching, and mentioned that I wanted to make him smile because when he was happy, I was happy. It didn't seem to sway him much last night, but then, this morning, I saw remarkable changes in him - changes I believe I would not have seen had I stayed on my course of nit picking and pouting about why he wasn't reacting the way I had hoped. Tonight we have made plans for a romantic night together. Yippeee! We both win!